3 Things You'd Like More of in Your Relationship

This is a version of an assignment I give to my couples and I'm thinking maybe you could try this at home without adult supervision:)
You and your partner take some time and write a list of 3 things you'd like more of or to improve about your relationship and then use this as the beginning of a dialogue.
Complaints are natural and can be used for enhancement, but when they're suppressed resentment and distant are soon to follow.

Mood Swings Got You Down (and Up Again)?

Try keeping a daily log for a week or two of the following items:

Mood on 1-10 scale.
Alcohol intake.
Caffeine intake.
Exercise duration and intensity.
Sleep quality and duration.
Nutrition: time of day and quality.
You're likely to see some patterns emerge, indicating changes you could make to decrease mood swing intensity.

Compensating to Restore and Maintain Balance

As nature tends to seek balance, so do we naturally work to maintain our psychological equilibrium. 
We attempt this through compensatory actions and often do so unconsciously or automatically.
Example: One who grows up in a disturbingly chaotic environment may be inclined to compensate and seek wellbeing by exerting similar amounts of control and order on their world. 
Example: One who grows up in neglect or deprivation, may seek to restore much needed balance through the acquisition of objects or attention.
Problems can result when these tendencies cross over into the realm of over-compensation, which in turn can lead to dysfunction.

Motivation

What would you be doing today if you were taking some of your own advice:-)?

Relationships thrive in healthy, stable environments.

Well, of course they do, but it's easy to lose sight of this common sense notion when caught up in the business of life.
I recommend a holistic approach with consideration given to:
sufficient sleep, good nutrition, regular exercise, limited alcohol consumption, regular quality time for the couple and the individuals, and a sustained spiritual, or philosophic practice.
Without regular attention to these items stress will overwhelm and possibly destabilize the relational system.
Some say that under stress, we regress:)

Relationship Needs.

Before you read this post, please note that I'm a passionate, motivated and idealistic man.
Still, after nearly 20 years of marriage and 16 years as a marriage counselor, I'm wondering how realistic it is for one to expect that all their relationship needs can be met by their spouse, or any one person.
With this in mind, one's left with the question of what constitutes "good enough".
That might sound like settling, though acceptance might be a more useful point from where we can focus on what we do have versus what we're missing.

Need Relationship Change?

Tired of trying to change your partner, so you'll have a better relationship?
Then turn your attention to yourself, the person you might be able to change... if you're willing to take on that job.
If "it takes two to tango" take a long hard look at your buttons that your partner keeps pushing.
The fact that you have them (unresolved childhood issues), suggests the work that you (like all of us) still have to do.

The overwhelm of new parenthood:)

Ahhh, the wonderful awesomeness of becoming a parent for the first time:)
No matter how prepared u think u are the whole experience can be a bit overwhelming and sleep deprivation, etc. doesn't help.
Working with some many new experiences at once results in a very steep learning curve for most new parents and the chaos that comes with it will test any relationship.
I suggest getting in the routine of having regular planning meetings to develop structure as a team, in order to better handle all the changes as well as a safe, productive place to voice worries.

The attraction of opposites.

We seem to be attracted to our opposites and perhaps it comes from an unconscious desire or need to be a bit more like them.
Consciously, though, we may resist their influence due to the frustration or discomfort it triggers in us. 
What if we're with them in order that we might heal or grow?

Anger-management

When it comes to anger, we often have triggers that in one version or another date back to childhood.
These trigger/response neuropathways are well worn, so we need determination to alter our reactivity.
It begins with identifying what triggers our anger.

Relationships and Best Functioning Distance

Healthy emotional boundaries are key for relationship functioning. 
Too close and the couple becomes emotionally enmeshed and risks codependence.
Too far and they end up living detached and parallel lives.
It's essential that each partner have a sense of where they end and their partner begins.
With best functioning distance, the partners overlap, while maintaing their individual selves.

Click this link to learn more about the counseling services I offer.

Dealing with infidelity.

A recurring cycle of lies and making up can break the strongest relationship.
One key element is that the wronged partner is humiliated even as they discover that their suspicions were correct.
This humiliation comes from powerful self-doubt, as they wonder how they "could have been so blind?"
This crisis of self produces a dilemma: "How can I ever trust my partner again, while being true to myself?"
Click for info about my counseling services.

How long should you wait?

How long would you wait before deciding whether or not your partner was for sure the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? One year, or two?
Well, if you're divorced with kids you should probably wait at least 6 to 12 months, or even more before having "sleepovers" with your new lover and your kids under the same roof.
The trauma of divorce is a big one for children involving big loss and big change.
You can bet that your kids will form a connection with your new partner and if that relationship fails, they are at risk for re-traumatization.
Don't risk it. Take your time. You'll be glad you put your kids first:)
See my web site for counseling info.

What's your salve of choice?

When you feel hurt, disappointed, sad, etc., do you go on a bit of a binge or a tear?
Of course, people use everything from food to compulsive exercise to self-soothe.
Dare, I say that this impulse may be a part of the human condition?
It's so hard to soothe ourselves from the inside out, rather from the outside in. This is to say that we're inclined to look outside ourselves for our solace, our comfort, rather than
within.
And there's nothing innately wrong with this tendency, except when it becomes self-destructive and lopsided and we neglect to tend to what brings us inner strength and balance.
What's your practice that can or does bring you, in the words of Kung Fu Panda, "inner peace"?

Check out my web site for more information

Relationships go through periods of being neglected for the sake of kids and work and it's discouraging and sad when we realize how much distance there is.

Couples come to see me in the midst of such circumstances or even after having lived that way for years. My work is about helping them reconnect where they currently are as individuals and as a couple.

My Practice

I specialize in couples counseling; rebuilding trust after infidelity; sexual desire differences, and communication skill building. I also offer effective therapy for compulsive sexual behavior and anger management.
It's a big step to seek a counselor's help. I imagine you've exhausted other options, or you wouldn't be reading this. Let's use the crisis that's brought you here to rebuild trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Please take a moment to visit my web site and read more about my experience and the services I offer. Be sure to let me know if you have any questions.
My web site: www.resolutioncounseling.com

Time-Outs

When couples argue, they may reach a point in the discussion where the bad starts to outweigh the good. 
At this point, the relationship may begin to suffer and little, if anything is accomplished besides bringing of more negativity into the relationship. 
The use of a time-out protocol tool is crucial here.
I recommend a 45 minute time-out that can be called by either partner. 
During this time each party needs to work to calm down separately via exercise, journaling, chores, deep-breathing, etc.
When they've achieved clear thinking, I strongly suggest they each consider how they might have contributed to the build-up prior to the time-out being called: interrupting, name-calling, blaming, etc. (If you don't think you made a contribution, please...think again.)
At 45 minutes the person who called the time-out needs to reconnect.
At this point, it's key to offer each other an olive branch, by naming/owning their respective contribution to the conflict and their intent to work on it.
Having this breaking tool is important for the couple, if they are to feel secure enough to take on tough topics.
Besides, would you be willing to drive a car w/o breaks!?!

Trauma and its resolution.

One's ability to really articulate the meaning and the impact of past trauma on their lives is one indicator of how much resolution of these traumas they've achieved and how much work they still need to do.

Please...don't put your kids in the middle.

When there's trouble in your marital paradise, it's often harmful to talk about it with our underage children.
Kids tend to personalize and internalize the relational strife between their parents.
This is when it's crucial to redouble your efforts to act the role of the reassuring and consistently loving parent.
If you feel you must discuss your circumstances with someone other than your spouse, select someone who's likely to be object and least likely to hold a grudge against your partner.
I suggest a counselor who specializes in relationship counseling.
Your pastor, rabbi, priest, or imam might also be a good choice.

The Biased Therapist

If I don't leave my personal bias at the office door, I'm doing my clients a disservice. I adopt their bias in that their goals essentially become mine as we collaborate. I attune to how they think and feel, what they value and where they've been. To this collegiality, I add my take on what will help them get from their A to their B; be it insight, emotional self-regulation, more meaning, more resolution, relational skills, etc. 

Are they worthy of your trust?

Be sure to listen carefully to your intuition. You have it for a reason and it's based on your experience and common sense.
Don't let fear of being on your own trump this and your better judgement.
While in the passion of a new love, we're more inclined to take risks and gloss over what our intellect tells us about a new partner.
Don't be your own worst enemy. Listen to your heart, but don't forget to listen your head.

Assumptions & the Intimacy Gap

When communication becomes sparse and incomplete, assumptions abound.
The very nature of this jumping to conclusions is that we tend to act as if our assumptions are true.
When negative, these conclusions are a poor substitute for direct communication and lead to an intimacy gap that's difficult to bridge.
Do yourself a favor, give your partner the benefit of the doubt and check your assumptions.  

"Keeping an Even Keel"

To keep calm and balanced while sailing through stormy, emotional seas a sturdy keel is essential.

Such a low center of gravity, or a centeredness tends to come from a strong spiritual or philosophical base.   

When feeling knocked about by the waves that life inevitably brings along, check your keel and shore it up for it will surely help keep your head above water even if you capsize.

www.resolutioncounseling.com

Cutting your Losses

When assessing the viability of your volatile relationship, watch out for thoughts that begin with "If only...".
Even when a relationship is mostly highs, don't minimize the soul and self-wrenching lows.
Don't ignore the advice of your friends and family who are wondering why you keep throwing good money after bad.
Be careful not to confuse the powerful, negative intimacy generated by a conflictual relationship for the kind of love that will meet your needs.

Emotional Baggage

We all have some and a major source is trauma such as loss, betrayal, abuse, assault, etc.

The surge of strong negative emotions in relatively safe and non-threatening circumstances is often an indicator of past trauma.

When these strong feelings are triggered, they come up from our subconscious and into our awareness. While this tension is a normal sign of our psyche working to prevent re-traumatization, it can also cloud our perception.

Therapy can help you let go of emotional baggage and live more in the emotional present than in the emotional past.

Parenting: "How my folks raised me is good enough for my kids".

Adding to our understanding of what is best parenting through reading and a careful look at how we were brought up is not an attack on our parents, how they parented, or how we turned out.

To reject such an exploration is to assume that they knew and that we know all there is to know on the subject and that this is enough.

Parenting is probably the toughest and most important job we'll ever do and while we, as parents, don't bare all the responsibility for how are kids turn out, we do bare the lion's share.

As such, we owe it to our kids and ourselves to always be moving toward the best parenting we can provide.  As in any work, this means questioning we the job we're doing and always seeking out and being open to techniques and ideas that might be new to us.

Here are a couple of titles I like:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391693152&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+with+love+and+logic+paperback

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1391693152&sr=8-2&keywords=parenting+with+love+and+logic+paperback

What gives birth to sexual shame?

Each time you puff yourself up,
You become so transparent
That I can see how little there is inside
And how you are compensating for it.

T'ain't a sin. T'is being human:-)!

A key to good parenting is being able to see the world through the eyes of your child.

Opposites Attract

What do you like about the traits your partner has that are opposite to your own?
Are these areas for your potential growth?
www.resolutioncounseling.com