Defensiveness and Relationships

A common defense in relationships is playing the blame-game.

One version is to pathologize our partner, or conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them.  When we pass this judgment, we tend to conclude that they have mental problems.  We may even focus on what we know of their childhood and past relationships to support our theory.

The beauty of this defense is that it lets us off the hook: “if they’re flawed, then we must be ok”.  This reasoning allows us to draw attention and responsibility from ourselves and place blame on them.

Projection.

One common form of this phenomenon is the unconscious projection of our unfinished family of origin business onto our spouse (for instance: our need for affection that is in part due to the lack of those needs being met in childhood).  This isn't to say that we shouldn't want and expect affection in our marriages.  Instead, the idea is that when our partner doesn't meet those needs, we see them as the cause of our pain, when the true origin of this pain more likely lies in our childhood experience of this unmet need.

More importantly, if we push our partner hard enough about their failure to come through for us in this manner, we also increase the likelihood of those needs not being met.  In this way, we end up unconsciously acting to keep ourselves in this familiar, yet painful interpersonal arrangement, one where our pain continues, as does our self-doubt and low self-esteem.

The Brain Chemistry of Love

"...all of the basic drives are associated with elevated levels of central dopamine.  So is romantic love.  And like all other drives, romantice love is a need, a craving.  We need food.  We need water.  We need warmth.  And the lover feels he/she needs the beloved."

Why We Love, pg 75, 2004, Fisher, Helen.

Another common cognitive distortion: personalization.

With this distortion we take events, including the statements, or actions of other personally without sufficient evidence to support such a connection.

This tendency suggests our need for stronger and clearer boundaries.

Remember: what others say, or do says infinitely more about them than about us.