More about that Pesky Relationship Stuck-Point

When one partner emerges from the early enmeshment cocoon before the other, tension develops as the other partner tries to pull them back in order to maintain the blissful "honeymoon".
A bit of a power struggle is born here; a tug o' war where over time each partner may increasingly dig in their heels in response to the other.
Oh yeah, the work of being in a relationship has begun.

p.s. Many couples remain mired in this bind for years.

www.resolutioncounseling.com

A Relationship Stuck-Point

Early on couples bond, even enmesh, emotionally and physically. Sameness is emphasized and difference is often minimized, while each is on their best behavior:-)
Once the bond feels assured, differences become more evident as the two somewhat repressed individual selves gradually emerge.
Arguably, this is when the work of relationship begins and passing fancies are separated from those with long-term potential.

Relationship Assumptions

With what assumptions did you commit to your current relationship?
Which of them has your partner lived up to?
Have you mourned these facts?
How do you learn to accept what you have, rather than what you thought you had, or do you?

A Happy Thanksgiving Weekend Recipe

With your partner, project yourself to Monday; imagine looking back at the weekend and feeling quite satisfied with how it went.
Then, you each identify two or three things that would have happened between you (frame them in the positive) that would likely lead to this good feeling.
Next, you explore and plan for the inclusion of these items.
Advisory: If you imbibe, do it in moderation. More warmth and joy will come from your family, whether you usually get on with them, or not.

Love is…

Keeping the positive ball rolling even when your partner is having trouble doing the same.

Your relationship A-game.

Do you drop your relationship A-game as soon as your partner drops theirs?
It's crucial that your best effort not be overly contingent on the quality of your partner's contribution, no matter how tempting.
Remember, it's not just about this week. Keep the long haul in mind.

Our Defenses

We're born defenseless and trusting. Our guard is down, because we don't have one.
Our parents do their best with what they have, but, due their own childhood wounds, they might wound us and sometimes wound us often.
In these environments our doubts and defenses are born and develop to protect us and keep us intact.

Do you text through conflicts with your partner?
Dealing with conflict productively is a big challenge, but trying to do it via text is a good way to just end up throwing another log on that fire.
And if you're driving, too…OMG!

Pornography food for thought.

Watching something like a video has a hypnotic effect. And habitually training yourself to be in this kind of trance makes it less likely that you will be able to tune in to a real-life partner’s experience in the moment during sexual relating.”

Maltz, Wendy; Maltz, Larry (2009-10-13). The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography (p. 83). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

What do our kids learn as they observe our relationships with food and alcohol?

What's the difference between the male ego and the female ego, if any?

I believe we all want the intimacy and acceptance that comes with a mutual abandonment of our defenses.

To determine the impact of alcohol on your love life, remove it from the relational system for one month and see what you see.

Yes, there is a relationship between porn abuse and premature ejaculation with a partner.

Porn Abuse:
Frequent porn use reconditions the brain, interfering with one's ability to have satisfying sexual relations with a partner.

Boundaries:
What your partner says and does, says SO much more about them than you:)!

If your home is a classroom where your children learn about relationships and you're the teacher, what lessons are they learning?

To New Moms

I've noticed that sometimes new moms are understandably hesitant to let dad do his part when it comes to baby. (Of course, agreeing on his role is essential.)
As important is letting dad find his way of caring for baby. If he gets the message that his style isn't ok, he may pull back and then you'll have problems down the road.

Be careful not to throw your relationship under a bus in order to satisfy your need to be right.

Commercial porn Web sites, magazines, books, videos, DVDs, cable television, etc., generate more than $ 97 billion dollars annually worldwide (an increase of 70 percent from 2003 to 2007). In the United States alone, porn revenue is larger than all combined revenues of all professional football, baseball, and basketball franchises.

Maltz, Wendy; Maltz, Larry (2009-10-13). The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography (pp. 16-17). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

It's when I release my expectations and assumptions about my beloved that my needs are met.

Relationship Power Struggles.
Have you ever felt sure that you knew what was best, or what was right?
You can be just as sure that your partner has felt that way, too.
So, you each dig in and hold your ground, because you're right, right?
In the meantime, your relationship suffers wounds and sometimes they're deep.
Be sure to pick your battles...carefully.

Relationship Insight: Part 2.
Compile a short list of the feelings that make up your emotional reactivity (see blog entry: Relationship Insight: Part 1).
Take some time with each feeling. Write out what your particular emotions might say about you and what you experienced in previous relationships.
Include relationships with siblings and each parent, as well as previous significant others.

Validation in Relationships

A way to check the effectiveness of validation skills is to ask your partner if, in fact, they feel heard and acknowledged.
Be advised that what feels validating to one may not feel validating to the other.
Remember validation is NOT agreement. Rather, it's an acknowledgement, or a way of letting your partner know that even if you don't agree, you believe they do have a right to a differing point of view.
The icing on that loving cake is your sincere interest and curiosity about this difference.

Relationship Insight: Part 1

This type of self-knowledge is complex and, to a great extent, a process of bringing the unconscious into awareness. 
One method is to clarify the elements of your emotional reactivity, or the feelings you experience during and after conflict with your partner.
To accomplish this usefully, be sure to dig deeper than the secondary feelings of anger and frustration, into the primary feelings of vulnerability such as fear, inadequacy and helplessness, etc.

Validation

Beware the temptation to over-focus on what your partner does/doesn't do to spoil your relationship.
A good example could be your feeling that your partner doesn't validate or acknowledge your worries.
They might being doing a lousy job of validating you, but don't forget to review your own performance in this area with the same scrutiny.

Step-Parenting

Step-parenting is a big challenge significantly impacting lives in the present and future.
I worry about the step-parent with no prior parenting experience suddenly finding themselves as the newest member of a long and well-established family system.
A great and essential book on this topic is:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Stepfamily-Emily-Visher/dp/0876306490/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381330088&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+win+as+a+stepfamily

Relationship Expectations

Do you and your partner have the same vision of what a relationship should look like?
This vision would include:
How finances are handled.
A clear definition of monogamy... or not.
Somewhat of a timetable for kids... or not.
A basic division of labor for chores and such.
Ideas about drug, alcohol, or porn use.
What a healthy sexual relationship would be like.
Getting on the same page regarding expectations is so important, as is being able to discuss these topics productively.

Don't let your wounded inner child keep you from being the kind of parent and partner you want to be.
Such wounds, if left untreated, can negatively influence your perception and your emotional reactivity to those you love.
The psychological effect of childhood pain or trauma is in play even if you haven't thought of those experiences for years.

A strong self is the best contribution to a solid relationship.
www.resolutioncounseling.com

Acceptance

We all want to feel accepted for who and how we are by our relationship partner.
But, even more importantly, can we truly self-accept, or do we criticize and judge ourselves?

Trust

When it comes to this common relationship issue, don't forget to look at the related baggage you might be bringing on board.
If you've been betrayed in previous relationships, it isn't sufficient to let your partner know. It's more important to do the therapy you need to move toward a resolution of those traumas.
www.resolutioncounseling.com

Hang on to Your Self

This is a key to relationship satisfaction and functionality.
It's important to be solid enough in you to be flexible and open with your partner.

"Thanks for Sharing" Interview

http://www.npr.org/2013/09/20/224160301/stuart-blumberg-really-wants-to-talk-about-sex

Couples and Marriage Counseling

It's important that couples and marriage counseling helps strengthen each partner. This is accomplished by fostering their individual ability to self-observe and self-soothe.

For Partners of the Sexually Addicted

http://www.amazon.com/Mending-Shattered-Heart-Partners-Addicts/dp/0982650590/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1379508541&sr=8-2&keywords=stephanie+carnes

The Risk in Diagnosing our Partner

It's tempting to analyze our partner's behavior in an effort to better understand them, even to the point of hanging the label of some mental health diagnosis around their neck.

While I can even imagine cases where this might have some validity, the inherent risk in this choice is that it's a distraction from our own behavior. When we over-focus on their contribution or influence on the relationship, we may be overlooking our part and put all our eggs in the one basket named "If they'd change our relationship would be so much better".

In this we risk giving up our primary source of power and influence and increase our dependency "the other".

Don't forget to shine the light of analysis on yourself, your contribution and what you can do to change and grow in your relationship.

Bringing the Bottom Up

Does your partner's relationship with porn, drugs or alcohol overshadow their relationship with you?

This kind of infidelity will erode the trust and intimacy at the heart of any relationship, no matter how much there once was.

As they lose themselves to compulsive behavior or addiction, they'll seem to lose sight of what they cherished. 

This is the addiction hijacking their mind and body.

Unlikely to seek and embrace help until they hit bottom, there's a chance your marriage and family will become a casualty. 

You'll need to bring the bottom up, in order to help your partner "get it" before they pass the point of no return. This means making the cost of not seeking help too high for them to deny.

Whatever means you chose to achieve this goal, be sure you're ready to stand your ground. Every time you give in, you'll be digging yourself a deeper hole.

Positive Visualization, or Creating a Positive Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.
If the experience of certain situations causes anxiety or tension when you think of them, try to imagine yourself feeling calm, cool and collected. (Write down a description of this positive state of mind.)
You can picture these circumstances on a regular basis and insert this new, positive visualization.
Greatly enhance this exercise by adding deep-breathing to your new visualization.

Marriage may well be one of the toughest jobs there is. (It may be tougher than working a crab-boat out of coastal town Alaska, though I've never tried my hand at that one.) 
It's the job you dig into after you've done your day-job. It's when you need to find a second wind and you need to be ON: attentive, flexible, patient and confident:-)!

You won't be able to change your partner.
If you're going to be able to change anyone it'll be yourself.
If your partner pushes your buttons, ask yourself about those buttons and their origins.
Consider them as connections to your unfinished business from past relationships or childhood.
This reflection opens the door to personal growth.

Pushing the Reset Button on Sexual Intimacy

Since most partners have differing levels of sexual desire that emerge over time, hurt, resentment and confusion sometimes come to obscure the point of even having sexual intimacy.
Repeating the same behavior that hasn't worked is often our well-intended, best effort to resolve the dilemma and leads to even more frustration and sadness.
It's not unusual for this struggle to occur in silence, since it can be difficult to talk about sexual intimacy.
And of course, expressing our sadness through anger digs us a deeper hole.

To reset sexual intimacy, try agreeing to take the sex card, including masturbation, off the table for a few weeks and replace it with other expressions of love and caring.
In the meantime, journal or log your thoughts about sex.

What feelings come up without it?
What tends to trigger your desire?
What has the role of sex been in this and other relationships?
Why have sexual intimacy?
If you felt a positive sexual connection to your partner, what would be happening?

Try sharing some of these insights with your partner on your own, or with a therapist.

What comes to us when we let go?

It's like the cliche: You can hold more water in an open palm than you in a clenched fist.
Or that Beatles lyric: Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void. It is shining, it is shining.
Or The Serenity Prayer.
Try applying this to your relationships... the what is, rather than the what should be.

Violence Usually Begets More of the Same

If there's been hitting, pushing, choking, or holding down in your relationship, I strongly recommend a separation and individual counseling for both parties.
This is especially the case, if there are kids in the picture.
Remember, this kind of domestic violence in the presence of children is considered child abuse in Oregon and should be reported.

Privacy in a Marriage

My 10 year old daughter just told me she had her mom's/my wife's email password and asked me if I wanted it, too.
I said no thanks, because my having it would be an invasion of her privacy.
How would you have handled this and what are the rules of privacy in a relationship, if any?

Trying Too Hard

If you feel you're doing all the heavy lifting to maintain connection in your relationship and the results are limited, maybe it's time to dial it back.
You may be over-functioning to compensate for your partner's apparent lack of relationship energy or interest.
If you dominate when it comes to tending to the relationship, then your partner will have less of work to do and, more importantly, less space to do it in.
Give them another chance to take on their share of this responsibility and work instead to notice their contribution, even if it's not how and what you'd do.
They just might surprise you.

Building Intimacy Through Communication

Set aside your position long enough to really receive your partner's point of view.
If you can respond with genuine interest and curiosity, you'll increase connection and trust.
Offer the acceptance that you'd like to feel, even if you disagree.
Worry less about being right and more about creating a safe and accepting environment for your relationship.

Visit me: www.resolutioncounseling.com

The Validation Challenge

In relationships or marriage it's especially hard to validate or acknowledge our partner's point of view when it pushes our buttons.
As difficult as they are, these tough moments are times when we can grow the most as individuals.
The hardest part is holding on to our selves, which takes confidence and calm.
Positive self-talk and noticing, or following our breathing can help. 
From a place of balance and security, we can send a message to our partner that we believe they have a right to their point of view and its associated thoughts and feelings.

Relationship Troubles?

If you're feeling overwhelmed and powerless, first attend to regaining your balance by putting your own house in order.

Reconnect with supportive friends.
Optimize your nutritional and fitness routines.
Revisit your personal short and long-term career goals.
Reconnect with your spiritual base.

Journaling your way through this process will help to make it solid and enduring.

Now you're ready to assess and address your marriage or relationship troubles from a position of greater balance and confidence.

For questions about couples therapy or marriage counseling check out my website: www.resolutioncounseling.com

Lower Your Walls

Our defensive walls might keep us safe and they make sense in light of our experience, but they will also keep our partner at a distance.
You can trade your walls for permeable boundaries that are based on current data, by letting the past be past and giving some benefit of the doubt. (Still, watch for red flags that suggest potential problems and don't ignore your intuition.)
If this is difficult counseling would be a good idea. The effects of old hurts or trauma doesn't always go away with the simple passage of time.

For questions about couples therapy visit my website: www.resoutioncounseling.com

Marriage Counseling

I derive a great sense of purpose and satisfaction from being invited into people's lives to help them build relationships rich in trust and intimacy.

By combining my 15 years of counseling experience with a comprehensive therapeutic approach designed to match individual styles and needs, I work to make lasting change.

My counseling and therapy services include:

A proactive approach to couples and marriage counseling.
Help rebuilding trust after an affair or infidelity.
Effective recovery counseling for compulsive sexual behaviors.
Skills to improve anger management.

www.resolutioncounseling.com

Differing Views

It's a given that two people with separate brains, different backgrounds and histories are often going to see the details of life differently.
It's tempting to get all caught up in whose version of reality is more correct, but when we succumb to this we're choosing to put being right over the the quality of our relationship intimacy.

For marriage and couples counseling visit my site @ www.resolutioncounseling.com

In a New Relationship

At the beginning, we're on our best behavior, not unlike going on a job interview. We pull on past experience and give our partner what we think it'll take to seal the deal. 
Both parties are usually under the effect of a brew of powerful neuro-chemicals that affects judgment, reduces inhibition, as it produces a high that can't be beat:-)
Even if it's all good, don't go rushing off to the altar or the mortgage broker, because you're really making decisions of a lifetime.
Spoken, or not, you're entering into a relational contract that binds. It contains financial, division of labor, and sexual terms, to name a few.
To have a few meetings on these topics isn't very romantic, but good common sense as you form this important partnership. The fever of new love will pass and while your love may very well become deeper and enduring, these contractual elements will remain in play.

For answers to your marriage and couple counseling questions visit my website: www.resolutioncounseling.com

High Conflict Couples in Counseling

Couples counseling further aggravates the problems of the high conflict couple and is contraindicated.
These couples are highly reactive and codependent and need to turn their focus away from each other and toward themselves, if they truly want to create lasting change.
The necessary individual work is a huge challenge, demanding a tireless effort for them to own their respective reactivity and emotional life.