Some useful questions to consider as you examine your story:
1) What do you know about the stability of your childhood household?
2) Did you have an alcoholic, or mentally ill parent?
3) Did your parents divorce or separate when you were young?
4) Did you feel accepted and supported?
5) Was your parents' love conditional?
6) By today's standards, did you experience any physical, verbal or sexual abuse?
As children, we tend to personalize our experience. A classic example is the child who blames themselves for the divorce of their parents.
This personalization process greatly influences the degree to which we feel loveable, and in turn our self-esteem.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Premature Ejaculation
One way to practically guarantee "premature" ejaculation is to ignore the fact that men and women have very different sexual arousal patterns. While most men and woman might be aware of this, how many couples actually work in concert with each other to factor in this knowledge?
If you've experienced this frustrating phenomenon, have either of you been able to start a productive conversation on this sensitive topic?
Keep in mind that feelings of confusion or inadequacy might exist on both sides of the bed and that neither of you may know how to resolve this delicate dilemma.
Before taking or placing blame, be sure to think of this challenge as something systemic; something that you can and must work on together to overcome.
Don't delay. Begin the dialogue, today:)
If you've experienced this frustrating phenomenon, have either of you been able to start a productive conversation on this sensitive topic?
Keep in mind that feelings of confusion or inadequacy might exist on both sides of the bed and that neither of you may know how to resolve this delicate dilemma.
Before taking or placing blame, be sure to think of this challenge as something systemic; something that you can and must work on together to overcome.
Don't delay. Begin the dialogue, today:)
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tech Toys Versus Intimacy
Do you or your partner bring a phone or tablet to the dinner table or to bed at night?
Do you have to check for and respond to texts, emails or Facebook updates every time your phone chimes? God forbid, you should miss a bit of one of those "conversations":)
What is the impact of this level of distraction on intimacy and connection?
Try turning off the toys at mealtime. Limit their use in the bedroom.
Talk and listen directly to your partner. How about a little more eye contact?
Can you do it?
Do you have to check for and respond to texts, emails or Facebook updates every time your phone chimes? God forbid, you should miss a bit of one of those "conversations":)
What is the impact of this level of distraction on intimacy and connection?
Try turning off the toys at mealtime. Limit their use in the bedroom.
Talk and listen directly to your partner. How about a little more eye contact?
Can you do it?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
After a Fight, Mend the Fence.
One of the key elements of a satisfying relationship, is the ability of a couple to repair after a fight.
It's usual for couples to have a period of tension after a conflict. But how do they mend the fence and how long does it take?
The longer you wait, the more you risk causing long-term damage to your relationship. Sure you have a right and often reasons for you feelings and wanting your distance. Yes, it's hard to tackle difficult issues. But this hard work needs to be done within hours, not days.
You can make a plan with your partner. Begin by prompting a discussion of how hard it is for both of you to endure those painful silences that follow a fight. Once each of you feels heard on that topic, you can move on to looking at possible solutions. Keep in mind that you'll have to try variations on any solution before you get it to really work. This is a very challenging part of a relationship.
It can be helpful for each party to consider their own contribution to the fight and take ownership of it when mending the fence. For example: "I realise I kept interrupting you. I'll work on that.", or "I know I roll my eyes when you complain. That must make you feel lousy. I'll work on that."
After that... give the original topic a rest and schedule a mutually best time to discuss it. In the meantime, consider what you hope to get from that upcoming conversation and what you're hoping to get from your partner (i.e., advice, a sounding board, a solution, etc.). You could let your partner know you goals at the beginning of the meeting. Otherwise, they'll have to guess.
Be sure to take turns. Keep the focus on yourself (thoughts, feelings, needs) and not on your partner. Don't forget to validate or acknowledge their point of view, as well. Don't be in a rush to solve the problem. Sometimes the real solution is in a mutually satisfying discussion.
It's usual for couples to have a period of tension after a conflict. But how do they mend the fence and how long does it take?
The longer you wait, the more you risk causing long-term damage to your relationship. Sure you have a right and often reasons for you feelings and wanting your distance. Yes, it's hard to tackle difficult issues. But this hard work needs to be done within hours, not days.
You can make a plan with your partner. Begin by prompting a discussion of how hard it is for both of you to endure those painful silences that follow a fight. Once each of you feels heard on that topic, you can move on to looking at possible solutions. Keep in mind that you'll have to try variations on any solution before you get it to really work. This is a very challenging part of a relationship.
It can be helpful for each party to consider their own contribution to the fight and take ownership of it when mending the fence. For example: "I realise I kept interrupting you. I'll work on that.", or "I know I roll my eyes when you complain. That must make you feel lousy. I'll work on that."
After that... give the original topic a rest and schedule a mutually best time to discuss it. In the meantime, consider what you hope to get from that upcoming conversation and what you're hoping to get from your partner (i.e., advice, a sounding board, a solution, etc.). You could let your partner know you goals at the beginning of the meeting. Otherwise, they'll have to guess.
Be sure to take turns. Keep the focus on yourself (thoughts, feelings, needs) and not on your partner. Don't forget to validate or acknowledge their point of view, as well. Don't be in a rush to solve the problem. Sometimes the real solution is in a mutually satisfying discussion.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Alcohol and Intimacy.
Does alcohol enhance communication?
Does it bring out the best in you?
Does it make you a better lover?
Does it take time away from your family?
How often is alcohol in your system when you fight with your partner?
How often do you say things you later regret when drinking?
How often do you black out?
Is your sleep interrupted on the nights that you drink?
When was the last time you had just one drink?
Think about it:)
In my experience, alcohol is rarely an intimacy enhancer. This is especially true when there is substantial unresolved material in relationship. Alcohol acts as a disinhibitor and can take the lid off the pressure cooker. At such times, you might air your differences, but in so doing ring bells that can't be unrung. Little is resolved and more damage is done.
What's your honest self-assessment about alcohol and intimacy in your relationship?
Does it bring out the best in you?
Does it make you a better lover?
Does it take time away from your family?
How often is alcohol in your system when you fight with your partner?
How often do you say things you later regret when drinking?
How often do you black out?
Is your sleep interrupted on the nights that you drink?
When was the last time you had just one drink?
Think about it:)
In my experience, alcohol is rarely an intimacy enhancer. This is especially true when there is substantial unresolved material in relationship. Alcohol acts as a disinhibitor and can take the lid off the pressure cooker. At such times, you might air your differences, but in so doing ring bells that can't be unrung. Little is resolved and more damage is done.
What's your honest self-assessment about alcohol and intimacy in your relationship?
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