What's Your Buzz?

Walking through the supermarket today, I noticed how food items were catching my attention.  (I'm a therapist, so I think about these things:)

When I passed the candy isle, I felt a pronounced elevation in my interest.  I'm not sure if I smelled the sugar or the chocolate, but I'm am sure that just the sight of the brightly colored candy wrappers
"excited" me.

Numerous things might well have been in play here, but it's safe to say that, like Pavlov's dog, I have been successfully conditioned. 

No.  I didn't start to salivate, although just the thought of fresh crab does get me going.

But, I did start to think about which candy I liked and began to picture it.  It was a chocolaty-nougaty-nutty-something.  This occurred in a blink of the eye, as I passed the isle.
Just as quickly, I had a decision to make.  I kept walking and then thought about blogging this to you, Dear Reader.

A reason for sharing this experience, is that I believe we've all been conditioned in many ways.  Some known and some unknown to us.  In this example, my conditioned response was a sort of "buzz" or excitement.  Since, I really don't consciously want to eat candy, bringing this relatively unconscious conditioning into my awareness helped me self-observe and gives me more power to make a choice that's in line with my conscious desires.

So, what's your buzz?  What triggers your conditioned responses?

  

The Story of Your Self-Esteem

Some useful questions to consider as you examine your story:

1) What do you know about the stability of your childhood household?
2) Did you have an alcoholic, or mentally ill parent?
3) Did your parents divorce or separate when you were young?
4) Did you feel accepted and supported?
5) Was your parents' love conditional?
6) By today's standards, did you experience any physical, verbal or sexual abuse?

As children, we tend to personalize our experience.  A classic example is the child who blames themselves for the divorce of their parents.

This personalization process greatly influences the degree to which we feel loveable, and in turn our self-esteem.

Premature Ejaculation

One way to practically guarantee "premature" ejaculation is to ignore the fact that men and women have very different sexual arousal patterns.  While most men and woman might be aware of this, how many couples actually work in concert with each other to factor in this knowledge?

If you've experienced this frustrating phenomenon, have either of you been able to start a productive conversation on this sensitive topic?

Keep in mind that feelings of confusion or inadequacy might exist on both sides of the bed and that neither of you may know how to resolve this delicate dilemma.

Before taking or placing blame, be sure to think of this challenge as something systemic; something that you can and must work on together to overcome.

Don't delay.  Begin the dialogue, today:)  

The link between hyper-sexuality and ADHD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attention-please/201006/hyper-sexuality-sex-addiction-adhd

Tech Toys Versus Intimacy

Do you or your partner bring a phone or tablet to the dinner table or to bed at night?
Do you have to check for and respond to texts, emails or Facebook updates every time your phone chimes?  God forbid, you should miss a bit of one of those "conversations":)

What is the impact of this level of distraction on intimacy and connection?

Try turning off the toys at mealtime.  Limit their use in the bedroom.

Talk and listen directly to your partner.  How about a little more eye contact?

Can you do it?

After a Fight, Mend the Fence.

One of the key elements of a satisfying relationship, is the ability of a couple to repair after a fight.
It's usual for couples to have a period of tension after a conflict.  But how do they mend the fence and how long does it take?

The longer you wait, the more you risk causing long-term damage to your relationship.  Sure you have a right and often reasons for you feelings and wanting your distance.  Yes, it's hard to tackle difficult issues.  But this hard work needs to be done within hours, not days. 

You can make a plan with your partner.  Begin by prompting a discussion of how hard it is for both of you to endure those painful silences that follow a fight.  Once each of you feels heard on that topic, you can move on to looking at possible solutions.  Keep in mind that you'll have to try variations on any solution before you get it to really work.  This is a very challenging part of a relationship.

It can be helpful for each party to consider their own contribution to the fight and take ownership of it when mending the fence.  For example: "I realise I kept interrupting you.  I'll work on that.", or "I know I roll my eyes when you complain.  That must make you feel lousy.  I'll work on that."

After that... give the original topic a rest and schedule a mutually best time to discuss it.  In the meantime, consider what you hope to get from that upcoming conversation and what you're hoping to get from your partner (i.e., advice, a sounding board, a solution, etc.).  You could let your partner know you goals at the beginning of the meeting.  Otherwise, they'll have to guess.

Be sure to take turns.  Keep the focus on yourself (thoughts, feelings, needs) and not on your partner.  Don't forget to validate or acknowledge their point of view, as well.  Don't be in a rush to solve the problem.  Sometimes the real solution is in a mutually satisfying discussion.

Alcohol and Intimacy.

Does alcohol enhance communication?
Does it bring out the best in you?
Does it make you a better lover?
Does it take time away from your family?
How often is alcohol in your system when you fight with your partner?
How often do you say things you later regret when drinking?
How often do you black out?
Is your sleep interrupted on the nights that you drink?
When was the last time you had just one drink?

Think about it:)

In my experience, alcohol is rarely an intimacy enhancer.  This is especially true when there is substantial unresolved material in relationship.  Alcohol acts as a disinhibitor and can take the lid off the pressure cooker.  At such times, you might air your differences, but in so doing ring bells that can't be unrung.  Little is resolved and more damage is done.

What's your honest self-assessment about alcohol and intimacy in your relationship?

Couples counseling as a last-ditch effort.

It's not unusual for couples to come in for counseling as a last resort.
Unfortunately, by that time in the relationship's history the negative
may outweigh the positive and the couple may not have the energy or
motivation to do the work required to rehabilitate the relationship.

I don't believe that such a relationship is a lost cause, but I do believe that
pulling out all the stops is necessary if positive change is going to have a chance.

One of the key elements in this stop-pulling needs to be turning our attention from
how our partner is spoiling the party.  Instead we need to focus on our own contribution
to the course of the relationship past, present and future.

Just because we might feel like we've tried everything to create change, doesn't
mean we have.  Oftentimes folks are too embroiled in the struggle to see what
change is required and how to implement it.

When coming into therapy at this point, pulling out all the stops needs to be about
trying new ways of thinking and acting. This generally requires pushing beyond our
comfort zones.

I'm not talking about changing who you are.  I'm talking about personal enhancement
and personal growth.

To use a newish cliche: Be the change you want to see:)

Above all: couples counseling can take time and the deeper the divide the longer it will take to
build a solid bridge across.

Happy Wife, Happy Life?

Is there any truth to this, guys?

A client once summed it all up in this pithy phrase.
Initially, I rejected it as simplistic and maybe a bit offensive.
As I continue on my way as a therapist and a husband, it keeps coming back to me.
Could it be that he was on to something?
I'm smiling as I write this now, but what do you think?
Let me know. 
Join the discussion:)

The Conflict Cycle

Is there a cycle of conflict in your relationship?

In many relationships, there are good or better periods of connection and intimacy followed by conflictual times of distance and discouragement.

I suggest you take a close look at this pattern and its details:
1) What triggers it?
2)How does it escalate?
3)What happens when the cycle peaks?
4)What does the aftermath consist of, or look like?
5)How is the rift mended?

Let me know what you come up with and we'll make a plan for greater stability.

Expectations and Happiness

We all have expectations about career, family, love and life.
By focusing on unmet or unrealised expectations, we experience disappointment or even depression.
We may think about how things "should be". 
This kind thinking sets us up for disappointments. 
After all, what actually should be?  Well, yes, the sun should rise each morning and the seasons should change as our planet's axis shifts in relation to the sun.
But when we get back to the day-to-day of our lives what "shoulds" can we really count on?
What "shoulds" can we truly expect to manifest?

The "shoulds" focus on expectations might be a set up for unhappiness.