Self-observation.

Do you spend time bogged down in consideration of how your partner is spoiling your relationship?
Self-observation is a great antidote to this trap that can lead to a kind powerlessness.
Remember: you can't change your partner as easily as you can change yourself.
Looking at the role you play in your relationship can boost this kind of objectivity.
So, after you identify the role you played as a child in your family of origin, ask yourself if you continue to play this same role in your adult relationship(s).
Now, ask yourself if playing this role is leading to your relationship satisfaction, or not and how?

What role do we play?

As children we probably played a particular role: clown, scape-goat, mediator, good girl/boy, black sheep, trouble-maker, etc.
It helps us build more self-awareness, more understanding of our contribution to adult relationships if we can identify this childhood role and consider what role we are playing in the present.

The assumptions we make.

Assuming that we know what our partner thinks or feels can really short-circuit communication. If we act as if our assumptions are true then we begin to build a false and often negative connection. Of course, negative often leads to more of the same and pretty soon our relationship is characterized by contempt and resentment.

Even then we'll say that we love our partner. Well, a really good way to express that love is by assuming that we may not know them as well as we think. How about giving them the benefit of the doubt and checking our assumptions. Go to the source. Ask your loved one how they think and feel about the given topic. Give love a chance.

Marriage Vows.

When was the last time you read your marriage vows?

Did you write them yourself or borrow them?

What were your hopes and dreams at the time?

What were your assumptions about marriage?

Are you living your marriage according to the vows you took?

The list of things my partner does that bug me.

It's not hard to identify what your partner does that gets on your nerves. Sometimes, we'll pull that list out and review it. How depressing! How disappointing!!

What's surprising is how many of the items on our list might also be on their list. (Yes, they've got one, too.)

While it may be tempting to focus on their flaws, it's unlikely that we'll change them, even if there's plenty of love to go around. That's work they'll have to look into.

Where we can make change is in ourselves. So, take out your list, have a frank talk with yourself and see what you can do to enhance your contribution to the relationship.

Assumptions.

How do my assumptions about myself, others and my world limit my ability to change?

Secure. Insecure.

How do my partner's insecurities lead me to feel more secure?

As a lay-person, or therapist how do you think counseling helps foster lasting change for individuals and/or couples? (Please read posted comments before commenting.)