Couples counseling as a last-ditch effort.

It's not unusual for couples to come in for counseling as a last resort.
Unfortunately, by that time in the relationship's history the negative
may outweigh the positive and the couple may not have the energy or
motivation to do the work required to rehabilitate the relationship.

I don't believe that such a relationship is a lost cause, but I do believe that
pulling out all the stops is necessary if positive change is going to have a chance.

One of the key elements in this stop-pulling needs to be turning our attention from
how our partner is spoiling the party.  Instead we need to focus on our own contribution
to the course of the relationship past, present and future.

Just because we might feel like we've tried everything to create change, doesn't
mean we have.  Oftentimes folks are too embroiled in the struggle to see what
change is required and how to implement it.

When coming into therapy at this point, pulling out all the stops needs to be about
trying new ways of thinking and acting. This generally requires pushing beyond our
comfort zones.

I'm not talking about changing who you are.  I'm talking about personal enhancement
and personal growth.

To use a newish cliche: Be the change you want to see:)

Above all: couples counseling can take time and the deeper the divide the longer it will take to
build a solid bridge across.

Happy Wife, Happy Life?

Is there any truth to this, guys?

A client once summed it all up in this pithy phrase.
Initially, I rejected it as simplistic and maybe a bit offensive.
As I continue on my way as a therapist and a husband, it keeps coming back to me.
Could it be that he was on to something?
I'm smiling as I write this now, but what do you think?
Let me know. 
Join the discussion:)

The Conflict Cycle

Is there a cycle of conflict in your relationship?

In many relationships, there are good or better periods of connection and intimacy followed by conflictual times of distance and discouragement.

I suggest you take a close look at this pattern and its details:
1) What triggers it?
2)How does it escalate?
3)What happens when the cycle peaks?
4)What does the aftermath consist of, or look like?
5)How is the rift mended?

Let me know what you come up with and we'll make a plan for greater stability.

Expectations and Happiness

We all have expectations about career, family, love and life.
By focusing on unmet or unrealised expectations, we experience disappointment or even depression.
We may think about how things "should be". 
This kind thinking sets us up for disappointments. 
After all, what actually should be?  Well, yes, the sun should rise each morning and the seasons should change as our planet's axis shifts in relation to the sun.
But when we get back to the day-to-day of our lives what "shoulds" can we really count on?
What "shoulds" can we truly expect to manifest?

The "shoulds" focus on expectations might be a set up for unhappiness.