The Risk in Diagnosing our Partner

It's tempting to analyze our partner's behavior in an effort to better understand them, even to the point of hanging the label of some mental health diagnosis around their neck.

While I can even imagine cases where this might have some validity, the inherent risk in this choice is that it's a distraction from our own behavior. When we over-focus on their contribution or influence on the relationship, we may be overlooking our part and put all our eggs in the one basket named "If they'd change our relationship would be so much better".

In this we risk giving up our primary source of power and influence and increase our dependency "the other".

Don't forget to shine the light of analysis on yourself, your contribution and what you can do to change and grow in your relationship.

Bringing the Bottom Up

Does your partner's relationship with porn, drugs or alcohol overshadow their relationship with you?

This kind of infidelity will erode the trust and intimacy at the heart of any relationship, no matter how much there once was.

As they lose themselves to compulsive behavior or addiction, they'll seem to lose sight of what they cherished. 

This is the addiction hijacking their mind and body.

Unlikely to seek and embrace help until they hit bottom, there's a chance your marriage and family will become a casualty. 

You'll need to bring the bottom up, in order to help your partner "get it" before they pass the point of no return. This means making the cost of not seeking help too high for them to deny.

Whatever means you chose to achieve this goal, be sure you're ready to stand your ground. Every time you give in, you'll be digging yourself a deeper hole.

Positive Visualization, or Creating a Positive Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.
If the experience of certain situations causes anxiety or tension when you think of them, try to imagine yourself feeling calm, cool and collected. (Write down a description of this positive state of mind.)
You can picture these circumstances on a regular basis and insert this new, positive visualization.
Greatly enhance this exercise by adding deep-breathing to your new visualization.

Marriage may well be one of the toughest jobs there is. (It may be tougher than working a crab-boat out of coastal town Alaska, though I've never tried my hand at that one.) 
It's the job you dig into after you've done your day-job. It's when you need to find a second wind and you need to be ON: attentive, flexible, patient and confident:-)!

You won't be able to change your partner.
If you're going to be able to change anyone it'll be yourself.
If your partner pushes your buttons, ask yourself about those buttons and their origins.
Consider them as connections to your unfinished business from past relationships or childhood.
This reflection opens the door to personal growth.

Pushing the Reset Button on Sexual Intimacy

Since most partners have differing levels of sexual desire that emerge over time, hurt, resentment and confusion sometimes come to obscure the point of even having sexual intimacy.
Repeating the same behavior that hasn't worked is often our well-intended, best effort to resolve the dilemma and leads to even more frustration and sadness.
It's not unusual for this struggle to occur in silence, since it can be difficult to talk about sexual intimacy.
And of course, expressing our sadness through anger digs us a deeper hole.

To reset sexual intimacy, try agreeing to take the sex card, including masturbation, off the table for a few weeks and replace it with other expressions of love and caring.
In the meantime, journal or log your thoughts about sex.

What feelings come up without it?
What tends to trigger your desire?
What has the role of sex been in this and other relationships?
Why have sexual intimacy?
If you felt a positive sexual connection to your partner, what would be happening?

Try sharing some of these insights with your partner on your own, or with a therapist.

What comes to us when we let go?

It's like the cliche: You can hold more water in an open palm than you in a clenched fist.
Or that Beatles lyric: Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void. It is shining, it is shining.
Or The Serenity Prayer.
Try applying this to your relationships... the what is, rather than the what should be.

Violence Usually Begets More of the Same

If there's been hitting, pushing, choking, or holding down in your relationship, I strongly recommend a separation and individual counseling for both parties.
This is especially the case, if there are kids in the picture.
Remember, this kind of domestic violence in the presence of children is considered child abuse in Oregon and should be reported.

Privacy in a Marriage

My 10 year old daughter just told me she had her mom's/my wife's email password and asked me if I wanted it, too.
I said no thanks, because my having it would be an invasion of her privacy.
How would you have handled this and what are the rules of privacy in a relationship, if any?

Trying Too Hard

If you feel you're doing all the heavy lifting to maintain connection in your relationship and the results are limited, maybe it's time to dial it back.
You may be over-functioning to compensate for your partner's apparent lack of relationship energy or interest.
If you dominate when it comes to tending to the relationship, then your partner will have less of work to do and, more importantly, less space to do it in.
Give them another chance to take on their share of this responsibility and work instead to notice their contribution, even if it's not how and what you'd do.
They just might surprise you.

Building Intimacy Through Communication

Set aside your position long enough to really receive your partner's point of view.
If you can respond with genuine interest and curiosity, you'll increase connection and trust.
Offer the acceptance that you'd like to feel, even if you disagree.
Worry less about being right and more about creating a safe and accepting environment for your relationship.

Visit me: www.resolutioncounseling.com